Udder End Farm

I want out. I’m not having fun any more. It’s cold. The water’s frozen. I want to put on clean clothes in the morning and still have them be clean at noon. I don’t want to sleep in the barn in January. I don’t want to haul and stack hay in August. I hate baby goats. I hate dead goats. I hate all goats. I quit. Wah! Waah! Waaah!

Thank you very much. It’s good to get that out of my system. Now let’s examine the top 10 reasons why I will persevere in the goat business.

10. I have nothing better to do with my time- Although I homeschool my daughters, take them for 6 hours of music lessons one day a week (150 miles round trip), take them to basketball practice 5 days a week (16 miles round trip), haul every drop of water we use around here (20 miles round trip), shuffle hay, feed and water and trim and vet and clean up after 150 goats, 39 chickens, 8 cats, 5 dogs, 5 horses, 3 turkeys, a donkey, a bunny and a guinea pig (17 miles round trip), cook three fabulous meals every day, clean 7 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms (yeah, right!), keep the lawn mowed, the flowers growing, and occasionally plow snow, all while trying to behave like a Sunday School superintendent, a deacon’s wife, and a Gideonette, I still have way too much free time (I should never have sold my milk cow). Raising goats keeps me off the streets and out of trouble.

9. The farm keeps me from spending money on really expensive things- such as groceries, violin strings, orthodontics for the children, and heat for the house. Come to think of it, sleeping in the barn isn’t as cold as could be, with 47 heat lamps plugged in out there. I’d take that diamond bracelet off my wish list, but it makes my husband laugh. Even he admits a man needs a good reason to get up and go to work every morning.

8. It’s a great exercise and fitness program- I am so tough! 80 lb. hay bales? Hah! One in each hand! I can pound t-posts through solid rock all day long. Then I can toss 50 lb feed bags off the truck all night. I can jog 26 miles in rubber boots and full combat gear, chasing goats around the field, without wheezing. I leap tall fences in a single bound and stop speeding freight trains- uh, billy goats- with one hand. I am so tough! And my chiropractor is a very rich man.

7. A good tax write-off- I don’t understand this at all. I don’t really believe it either, but our accountant swears that my goat business is what keeps Eric’s business in business. I genuflect when I walk into the presence of the accountant because he is smarter than I am. He can turn the cost of 100 tons of hay, 18 tons of grain, 3 miles of new fence, 20 joints of wheel line and a slightly used manure spreader into a profit, and still look my husband in the eye as he announces “You made too much money this year. Go buy her some more goats.”

6. That’s our 401K walking around the backyard- I can’t quit the goat business. We have invested all our retirement funds in the stock market. The livestock market. No early withdrawal without severe penalties. In my next life, I’m going to come back as a chiropractor, or an accountant.

5. My goats are good for the local economy- I personally keep 3 local hay growers and a trucking firm solvent. The owner of my friendly Tru-Value hardware will be able to provide a good Christmas for his children on the proceeds of the extension cords, tank heaters and infrared bulbs which I had to replace this year. I make it a point to buy all my lumber and fencing from my hometown lumber yard at a 400% markup, because they deliver and unload for free. I could keep the entire high school football team on the payroll, but they are too wimpy to do the labor of my two little girls.

4. It teaches the children responsibility- Running a farm with their own three hands teaches children all kinds of practical things. They have to make choices. Do I want to go out in 19 below zero temperatures and feed 150 goats while mom runs to town for a load of water, or do I want to stay indoors and clean 3 bathrooms? Do I want to walk a half mile down to the river and start the irrigation pump or do I want shovel three tons of manure while mom trims and vaccinates 45 goats this morning? Kids (two-legged) on goat ranches learn to be tough. They have to lift 80 lb hay bales- one in each hand. They sleep in the barn and deliver slimy baby goats. They learn to shoot straight. They do all these things while practicing music 3 hours a day and teaching themselves algebra. My daughters will tell you why there is no difference between a billy goat and a teenage boy. Every child should have a pet to teach them the facts of life- sex, birth, death, faith and finances.

3. Goats keep me writing silly things- I finally figured out what is really going on around here. The only reason my husband allows me to have a goat farm is that he thinks I’m going to become a rich and famous writer some day. Bsdifuwe^90o *D. Excuse me, I was laughing so hard I just fell off my chair. He doesn’t realize that only writers of inane, smutty romance novels get rich and famous. As long as you allow me to subject you to my aimless literary wanderings, I get to keep the goats. I assure you that if I dump the goats, I will have nothing left to talk about. My conversational skills are extremely limited. I actually do have a couple of amusing little huntin’ and fishin’ tales to tell, but I don’t have the nerve to submit them to Gray’s Sporting Journal just yet. If hubby were to fortify my confidence with a diamond bracelet, I just might manage it.

2. Goats keep me humble- like Wilbur in Charlotte’s Web, goats keep me close to the earth. A 300 lb. buck standing on your back is about as close to the earth as you can get, without being 6 feet under it. When I show up in church 20 minutes late in coveralls and mucky boots, after sleeping in the barn all night, with straw in my hair, blood on my nose and slime on my sleeve, and still get hugs from all those sweet, clean, nicely dressed ladies, I am so very grateful. When I don’t get 3 fabulous meals cooked each day, and I forget to brush my hair, and my hands are rough as fence rails, and my husband comes home, sweeps me into his arms and tells me I’m beautiful, I know I am loved. Goats have taught me I really have nothing to prove, and I couldn’t if I tried. They keep life in proper perspective for me.

1. I really do like the darned things! This is probably the most important reason to raise goats. I learned long ago that I’m the kind of person who can’t live without a goat, so I guess I’d better just keep some around.